What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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