WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
This is the prime rib incident all over again
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
