Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Mom said you looked used
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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