Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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