Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
