so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
