Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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