I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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