I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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