i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
