Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
