I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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