my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
