Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
