No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
True strength comes from lack of pants
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
