there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
