I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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