cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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