I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
