there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
