Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
