girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
