This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
