i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
