census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
