am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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