I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
