i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
