I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
