Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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