did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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