I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize
