new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Boobs speak an international language.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
