You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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