Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
