I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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