everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
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