i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
