my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
