I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
