is your mom at the bar?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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