True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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