i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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