I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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