His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
