dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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