I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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