if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
her facebook's as public as her vagina
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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