my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
