so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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