Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
