Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
