I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
